The CU is not a Meat Market, it's a Delicatessen Part 3- Find a Wife

Having decided that you ought to be married you need to consider whether or not you are ready for marriage. The question should not be can I fulfill the role as a husband or a wife but rather can I grow into the role. You can't play at being married so whatever preparation you do, and I'm certainly not against it, it won't fully brief you for married life- before anyone asks I'm using second hand info here. Further, marriage is the perfect structure for spiritual formation- you have two people who love each other who will tell each other if they're sinning and then will deal with it. I'm not saying marriage will sort out your problems but it should make you more holy. So to the men, do you think you can lead, teach and provide for your potential wife? If not work on your personal holiness and giftings to the point you are. To women, do you think you can love, submit to your husband and love your children? If not work on your character until you're able. If you are answering yes, keep reading.

The modern trend is for people to get married at a later and later age. The median age for first time marriages in 2005 was 30.7 for grooms and 28.5 for brides. (ONS data for the UK). Back in 1851 the figures were 25.9 for grooms and 24.7 for brides. The lowest ages were in the late 60s early 70s when brides were 22.5 and grooms 24.5. From a purely biological view the age rising for women is problematic when you consider that the peak fertility of a woman is between the ages of 19-25. Further levels of fertility fall quite drastically after the age of 30. This seems to indicate the nature thinks we get married too late. One of the reasons for the increase in the marriage ages can be put down to the modern education system which keeps a lot of people in full time education until they're 21 and even longer when doing postgraduate degrees which are becoming more popular by the year. This leads to people being put on the shelf only after their best before date. Culture also tells us that you need to wait till you're older and have a lot of different experiences to know what you really want before you are ready to commit to marrying. This underlies a commitmentless, self centred culture where you put off making a decision and justify it by arguing you just need that bit more information, which you'll keep doing in perpetuity. This is mainly the fault of the men who refuse to take on responsibility because they want all the perks of marriage without the sacrificing themselves to their women.

So you know you should be married what do you do next? Well, the ball is in your court lads:

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favour from the LORD." Proverbs 18:22

NB. A good wife must be a Christian. How can you possibly marry a God hater? 2 Corinthians 6:14 states that you should not be unequally yoked- pulling in different directions ain't going to work. In keeping with male leadership it is the role of the man to go and find a wife. Remember English at school, find is a verb, a doing word, which means you'll have to put some effort into it and not wait for a wife to appear deus ex machina. Now lads, where would you find lots of Christian girls who would make potential wives? The Christian Union. This is not to say that you should go there solely for this reason- it's main purpose is to build up students to live and speak for Christ. However there is probably never going to be another time in your life in which they will be such a wide choice of girls to choose from. In the future you may well be in churches in which there are only a handful of potential wives. And if you should have a wife, why not start in the best place? During my time at university there were many godly girls who'd make good wives but weren't attached or seemingly had little interest- I have eyes everywhere! It is a genuinely good place to find a good wife- that is why the CU is not a Meat Market, it's a Delicatessen- bdum tschhh! So lads attune your radar and get going. If you think there is potential, man up and ask the girl out. This makes things a lot easier. If she doesn't like you it makes it easier for her to say no rather than trying to give not interested signals which you probably won't read. It also gives proper direction because you go out with a purpose of marriage rather than hanging around with them a lot, not sure where it's going. Finally lads, if you can't take the risk of being rejected by a girl you are the ultimate example of emasculation and I pity you.

But, all my adoring female readers cry, what can we do? Make cake. Seriously. Try and single your favoured man out for attention. Find out what he's interested in and find things out about it. If he's reading a book then get a copy yourself and read it so you have something to talk about with him. Ultimately however, if a guy is worth your interest he'll initiate things properly. If he can't even dare to ask you out how'll he do leading you and your children.

For more information about these issues look at www.boundless.org and listen to the mini-series' on Biblical Manhood, Biblical Womanhood and children in Mark Driscoll's Proverbs series.

My Films of 2008

Well what I mean is the ones I saw at the cinema last year. It's a bit late but here they are in reverse order:

8) Vantage Point- absolutely shocking. It allegedly looks at a terrorist bombing from different characters perspectives, though merely uses their stories to advance the plot than really engage with their point of view. For a film that does this properly watch Kurosawa's Rashomon.

7) Gomorrah- Unjustifiably praised. There really isn't a story per say and more like a docudrama. That said it is the most realistic film I've seen, for example the only incidental music is the music played by the characters in the scene, especially for the portrayal of a criminal family. Warning- the first five minutes is the most homoerotic I've ever seen.

6) Inkspleen (sorry, heart)- Like Gomorrah was Mark Kermode's Film of the week. A story about a book of the same title. The protagonist can read people in and out of actual stories. Due to this I expected jumping between the real world and lots of fictional worlds but they only read people from stories into the real world. Uninspiring and lame existential under current.

5) No Country For Old Men- possibly the most over rated film I've seen since Raging Bull. How it won the Best Film Oscar I'll never no. The main body of the plot revolves around one bloke trying to kill another for no particular reason. Flirts with ideas of free will and determinism but not in great depth. Javier Bardem is great though, as the personification of death.

4) The Dark Knight- not as good as Begins. I wrote a huge review of this- see here.

3) Iron Man- surprisingly good. Robert Downey Jr is great as the charismatic playboy billionaire. Good characterisation with an entertaining story. A nice little critique of American foreign policy to boot too.

2) Hellboy 2- better than Pan's Labyrinth. The story is generic and telegraphed a mile off. Yet the characters are brilliant, better than most films I've seen, and the visuals are so inventive; it also very funny too. What also marks it out is the strong thematic element of the film- through death comes life in a paganised Christianity way. Hence it actually meant something.

1) There Will Be Blood- absolutely fantastic. It went straight into my all time Top Ten films. A profound portrayal of an obsessed man dealing with themes of religion and greed. Daniel Day-Lewis rightly got the Best Actor Oscar but don't forget Paul Dano as the charasmatic Church leader. Some fantastic direction and cinemtography. The scene way the oil rig blows up is one of the beautiful I've seen.

The CU is not a Meat Market, it's a Delicatessen Part 2- What is Marriage?

Given the fact you're not called to celibacy you should pursue marriage. In the same way you pursue a call to the ministry or overseas mission. And this is where the CU comes in. Let us though first consider what is marriage. As mentioned above it is a pre-fall institution. The most important aspect of the marriage is becoming one flesh. Man and Woman are no longer two but now are one. (Genesis 2:24) This means that their lives are totally integrated for life- One house, one bed, one bank account (Divorce and Re-marriage are beyond the scope of this paper). A man is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Both parties are no longer under the authority of their father but have started a new family unit under the headship of the husband. The fact that the parties become one flesh after consummating marriage makes the complementary roles of husband and wife easier to understand. Getting two people drive a car at the same time ain't going to work, however one driving and one navigating makes perfect sense- that's why men should marry Sat Navs not women!!!!

God makes Eve to be a helper for Adam (Genesis 2:18). It is clear from the outset that Adam and Eve are to perform complementary functions otherwise why would the word helper be used? Eve is help Adam with his cultural mandate to fill the Earth and subdue it (Genesis 1:28); it would have been rather hard work to fill the Earth without any means of reproduction! Yet Eve's role is of equal worth as can be seen from the fact she is made from the rib of Adam- not from the head to be above him, nor his feet to be under him but from his rib to be his equal. If anyone thinks that being a helper is demeaning obviously doesn't know their Bible very well. The Hebrew word used for help in Genesis 2 is ezer. It is used 21 times in the Old Testament and 13 times it is in direct reference to God as a helper for his people.

This obvious pre-fall Biblical example has come under fire from "feminists" from outside and inside the church. It is an unfortunate name since it indicates that a feminist is one whom supports the feminine whereas feminists seem to support the idea in the Gospel of Thomas in which it says that the only way women can go to heaven is to become men; don't worry ladies, Jesus is gracious. This rank falsehood is not only blatantly wrong- Biology is obviously sexist since men can't bear children- but anti-Biblical.

The most clear passage delineating different roles is Ephesians 5. All believers are to submit to Christ (verse 21). Following from this comes:

" Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Saviour of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything". (v22-24)

It couldn't be more abundantly clear. Paul states that a marriage is analogous to the relationship between Christ and the Church. So as the church submits to Christ, wives submit to their husbands- note it is only their husbands not men in general. There is no way this statement can be taken as purely cultural unless you wish to argue that disobeying Christ is the way forward when it suits you! Even if you argue that head purely means source, not symbolising authority, then the husband is still head of the wife for the same reason Christ is head of the Church, thus they still have the same roles. Further submission does not mean agreement, that's agreement. Submission is where you believe a command is wrong but follow it in respect of the office the person holds. However wives aren't to submit to all decisions of their husbands: if they ask them to do unscriptural acts such as theft or murder then they should disobey. The hierarchy is simple: God followed by husbands, then wives, then children. If anyone in these offices acts ultra vires, beyond the powers, then do not submit to them. Even if you think this passage is unfair against women I'd actually argue that it's the men who get the raw deal: "Husbands, love your wives, JUST AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER" (v25, emphasis added). Husbands are to lead sacrificially as the suffering servant did for the church! They also have the responsibility to present their wives as "holy and blameless" (v27) by the "washing of water with the word" (v26). Husbands, you have the primary responsibility of teaching your wife the word and to make her pure. Not a particularly misogynistic job description! One of the reasons for the fall was that Adam failed in his teaching role. God said "From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die." (Genesis 2:17-18). Now when Eve was confronted with the serpent she said " From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat from it OR TOUCH IT, or you will die" (Genesis 3:2-3, emphasis added). Adam's failure to accurately communicate God's word to his wife allowed Satan an opening to deceive Eve and also Adam; he ate the fruit in Genesis 3:6 as well as Eve. Due to Adam's failure as head, God brings him to book before Eve and he even has the cheek to blame his wife even when he's stood next to her whilst Satan uses his silver tongue.

Our culture believes that submission to any authority is de facto bad. This is a result of the historical abuse of power of those in authority- husbands, the church and governments. This view started to gain ground from the 60s onwards with destruction of the deferential society of the 50s and before. This was partly due to the demonstration by the media that these "moral pillars of society" were no less moral than the general public. This led to a leveling of the social order which can be seen in the replacement of major cultural figures from politicians and clergy to rockstars and sportstars. Then in the 70s feminism came to the fore. Along with the help from the social security system has led to today's very egalitarian society (more properly anti-male society). Our society sounds just like Israel in Isaiah 3:12 "O My people! Their oppressors are children and women rule over them"

Consequently the idea that men and women had different roles is considered objectionable since difference denotes superiority or inferiority. This clear error can be seen in the light of the Trinity: all persons of God are equal in value but perform different functions. The Father orchestrates, the Son creates and sustains whereas the Holy Spirit is the comforter and convicts sin. From eternity to eternity the Son has submitted to the Father. The most profound example of this is when Jesus says, is in the Garden of Gethsemane before his betrayal and crucifixion, "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; YET NOT MY WILL, BUT YOURS BE DONE" (emphasis added) He was then comforted by an angel and being in agony his sweat became like drops of blood. (Luke 22:42-44) Even though the Father was going to pour his wrath out for all sin on Christ, Jesus said "if it be your will, so be it." Never has there been an act of submission so great, though never has there been so great a victory. Submission can be a beautiful thing through mutual love and submission- The Son to the Father and the Spirit to the Son, God is one. Interestingly the word used in for one in Genesis 2:24 when Adam and Eve become one flesh is the same word used of the oneness of God; it is the Hebrew word echad which means united.

The clear role of the husband is lead and teach his wife as Christ did for the church (he should also provide for her, see below). But what of the wife? Scripture has few verses directly relating to this, the most explicit being:

"...encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonoured." Titus 2:4-5

Wives are firstly to love their husbands, pretty obvious but fundamental. It is clear here that wives are to have a home orientation. People may argue that this is again purely cultural however given the fact that we've seen that husbands and wives are to complement each other such a differently orientated role is unsurprising. So a wife's main domain is the home although this does not mean that she cannot have a job outside the home just that it should be her main focus. This essentially means everything thing which makes the home run. The areas listed in Proverbs 31 are food and clothing provision, investment, household finances and teaching. The "excellent wife" in Proverbs 31 "considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard." She knows the real estate market and invests wisely. Finding good investments be it stock markets, commodities or precious metals are well within the home domain. This is along with normal household budgeting. How many households have been crippled due to imprudent spending? Credit Crunch anyone?!! Further most of the lack of nutrition and increase in obesity in children can be put down to the fact that their mothers don't cook them good meals any more; they instead rely on microwavable meals or takeaways.

This brings me nicely onto the subject of children in general. Children are an integral part of marriage. It's part of the package along with life long commitment and sex. Today's culture doesn't value children particularly highly which can be seen in the slowing birth rate, rising abortion rates and the long march towards the abolition of childhood- or life long adolescence. In the Bible being childless was than liberating to put it mildly. This is unsurprising when the command in Genesis was to fill the Earth. So if you're married you should have or had children. If you don't have the intention of having any then that would concerning; if though your husband or wife is physically or mentally incapacitated then this would be a legitimate exception. If don't want kids, don't get married. If you can't have your own children biologically then you should adopt. There are many children needing a stable home and where better in a home where both parents love Jesus. As to how many kids you should have, do the maths on how mankind can "multiply".

Given the fact you will or have children the responsibility to bring up the children is the parents; the Bible has no conception of state responsibility in this area. The parents have the primary role in educating them- the book of Proverbs is written for children. This doesn't mean they have to formally educate the children themselves but to really think where and what type of school or otherwise is best for their child. Further they should teach them in their day to day lives when suitable situations arise- Education is far more than school. The parent to do most of this is the child's mother- "And do not forsake the teaching of your mother; Bind them continually on your heart; Tie them around your neck." Proverbs 6:20-21

This brings me back to the wife's homeward orientation and for her love her children as in Titus, above. Women are hard wired to be helpful and to be motherly. As Mark Driscoll says "If women don't mother children they'll end up mothering something else- Cat women anyone?!!!!!" Further raising children is the most important task anyone can undertake. If done righteously the next generation will be saints. On the other hand done badly they'll be demons, as they are today. It is difficult to overestimate the importance of a good upbringing- a stable home with mum and dad loving and nurturing the children. This is opposed cultures view which seems to say to get kids into child care as soon as and for as long as possible so I can do what I want. I love child care, a good day is when the kids aren't killing each other- not a great place to be educated. Due to this homeward orientation it follows that her husband should also be the main earner in the household. Yet people claim that they need child care because they can't afford to live on one income. But if you factor in all the additional expenditure for travel and clothes, child care, as well as tax you need to earn a serious amount of money to increase the real income of the house. Sources cited by Mark Driscoll reckoned it need to be $60,000 or £40,000 pa.

If the above has been a bit long and heavy there's one aspect of marriage I've left out- sex!!! The Bible says sex is a great thing within marriage. The indication in 1 Corinthians 7:5 is that husbands and wives should be having sex regularly since they should only stop if there is a particularly serious issue that needs prayer and fasting else Satan might come between them. The Bible says sex is fun:

"Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love." Proverbs 5:18-19

Shock horror. The Bible refers to breasts as bouncy little things that you want to pet. The fact you probably haven't realised things like this were in the Bible is that a lot of Christians are prudes. So much so, some theologians, such as Matthew Henry, allegoricalise the entirety of the Song of Solomon- the two breasts are the Old and the New Covenant and the incense in the middle is Christ, yeah right. To be fair though, I don't he was thinking of that when he.....

For a great sermon series on Song of Solomon listen to Mark Driscoll's Peasant Princess series.